Get a glimpse of my thoughts and experiencies.
💘 The real mystery of love🙊 You did something bad? Or good? You don't know if you should tell them? SAME🧱 I don't know anything, but I know I miss you🧅 Someone who does not allow themselves to cry does not allow themselves to live💫 Just want someone to love me, who doesn't?⌛ Time Is Never Wasted🔇 Silence😢 Did you even care?📮 Dreamed of you twice📖 Am I enough for my own story?👨❤️👨 I WANT THAT FEELING BACKDate: 09/07/2025
Looking back at myself from a year ago, I realise that our views on love are very different. Or, at least, we fall in love in different ways. I used to think that falling in love meant giving your whole life to that person and that anything was permitted if it was for love. But as I see it now, love should grow slowly through experiences and connection. We should fall in love with the essence of that person, rather than idealising them or focusing on superficial things. We can't allow ourselves to be consumed by irrational thoughts. Of course it's hard, and sometimes we most need to follow our impulses. I won't pretend to know everything about love, because I'm very far from that. I think I may never reach a conclusion. But there's something so enchanting and strange about falling in love with someone. Everything reminds you of them, and you care about that one person more than anyone else. There's this sad, deep feeling that nobody has ever fallen in love with me. Maybe in a superficial way or as a friend, yes. But has anyone ever truly met my essence? Do I even know my own essence? Do I know the essence of anyone? By essence, I mean that unique quality that defines each individual. I remember reading the diary of a close friend and feeling that it captured his essence. It was a feeling of knowing him completely, although of course I don't. When do we really meet someone's essence? These are all the questions that I call the mystery of love. Now that I'm no longer in love, I feel as though I don't know anything about it. But the closer we get to it, the more we feel we have really met it. Of course, before that, we didn't know what love was. 'Now I love; before, I didn't. This is real love.' But at the end of the day, we're all humans on a rock, trying to pretend that we know what life and love are, falling in love with other humans who don't know anything about truly.
Date: 07/07/2025
Oh my God! So, we're here now, are we? You and I have done something that would make our friends and family raise an eyebrow. Yes, maybe I did what I swore I wouldn't do. But people change, flowers bloom and so do thoughts. You see things differently. After some thought and various panic attacks, I did it. I did the bad thing. And don't look at me like that — I know you've done things like this too! OK, to be honest, I don't know if I should tell people or not. I asked them before doing the bad thing, and they all said it was a bad idea. But it's looking like it wasn't such a bad idea after all. Maybe I should just wait and see how I feel about it in time. Though, I can't deny that a part of me doesn't want to tell people because I know I will be judged. But let's consider this: when a person does something good, like donating money, and then brags about it all the time. Isn't that bad? Of course! That person did it because they are obsessed with other people's opinions. By not telling people about my actions, am I being like the person who does something good and then brags about it? But in the opposite way? Am I lying to people by not telling them? I mean, if they don't ask, why would I tell them? And yes, if they asked me, I would tell them. I don't know. Sorry, I don't have any answers today. I'm ashamed now. Anyway, we're young and still learning how to live. By the way, happy 20th anniversary of Brokeback Mountain ADFKALFKLAFGA
Date: 06/07/2025
It's been a while, hasn't it? Well. I'm recovering from duelling again. Yep, again from the same thing. But almost everything reminds me of him. I always ask myself if just one little thing had been different, even the slightest thing, everything would be so fucking different now. I can't explain how much. Firstly, he would still be in my life. The thing is, that's just a hypothesis; a reality that I created in my mind because the real reality was too hard to accept. And yes, I still think about writing to him again... BUT I WON'T! Where would that leave me? Probably as depressed as I was in 2024, and I do not want to go back there. I wonder what people reading these thoughts are thinking. Or if anyone is even reading them. It's nice to have them for myself, though. Getting back to the theme, I know I will always love him. Not only him, but all the people I have loved in the past, too. It's not something I can fight against, and I'm not saying this to seem cool; it's just how my mind works. If I love someone, I will love them forever. It's difficult because if they reappeared in my life, I don't know if I would be strong enough to say: "I left you because you were destroying me. I don't want to be in your life anymore, even though I love you." Who knows? Maybe I'll surprise myself and do it! I know it sounds very isolating, but I'd rather keep all the relationships that didn't or aren't working out of my life. But I can't spend my life repeatedly explaining to men how they should treat people. Respect shouldn't be begged for — you deserve it, and so do I! I really hope, I just hope, to never text him back. I don't want to betray myself like that. But if you have, don't worry. We all learn from our mistakes. Fuck men (-a gay man).
Date: 07/06/2025
We are alive, here on this planet, and our sole purpose is to experience life. Living means experiencing, smiling, feeling the texture of a wall, running as if we were being chased just for fun, crying. Crying, since we were born, means that we were alive: feeling. Life is beautiful, of course, but in beauty there is suffering. In happiness there is suffering, because we cannot have everything. Because everything is not possible. Of course, that is not something to worry about, we cannot change it. But we can cry about it, and that is okay. Crying about that or anything else is okay. More than okay, it is necessary. Please, never hold back your tears, let yourself live, experience. Let your mind scream what it feels, but don't let that hurt you or others. I know you're trying with all your might, really, but never hurt others just because you're suffering or because they've made you suffer. Life is already too hard to make it more difficult for each other. Always choose peace, of course, but never choose to ignore yourself or what worries you. You can let it go when you're ready, don't obsess over it. But let yourself feel, damn it. We're all on the same path in life, let's enjoy it before it ends. I love you.
Date: 01/06/2025
Usually, when we spend a lot of time trying to recover from a past love or heartbreak, we end up feeling a little guilty when we feel the need to feel loved. But, girls, let's be honest, we all want someone to love us, who the hell doesn't? Inspired from Sabrina Carpenter, by the way. Yes, I may miss the people who have hurt me, but I must allow myself to feel the pain! I must allow myself to cry and, of course, once I feel ready again, I must give myself another chance with someone else. We always have to bet on our own good. Sometimes we NEED to relax, take some space and time, to think and let the wound heal. And other times we just need to let go of our fear of what might happen. Let's live life as we please, without fear. Don't judge yourself for feeling the need for love; everyone wants to hug someone.
Date: 31/05/2025
I hope you know this, and when you feel stress returning, you can remember it. The truth is that time is never wasted. I know that many years can be marked by trauma, pain, darkness, and a wound that won't heal, but all those years don't prevent you from having a beautiful life. Even if you've devoted countless hours to a project, a person, a dream, the love of your life, who never gave you what you gave them, you can still live an incredible life. It doesn't matter. You can still do whatever you want, you have a whole life to do, to pursue, to continue loving with your kind soul, to love all the people who love you. Because believe me when I tell you this: THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE, PLACES, EVERYTHING YOU WILL DISCOVER IS PRICELESS COMPARED TO THE PAIN YOU FEEL NOW. I know it's hard to see right now, but please, keep going and live for your future self. Live for today, live for your current self. And soon, I promise you, you'll look back and say, “THANK YOU TO MY PAST SELF! THANK YOU FOR KEEPING ON LIVING! THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THIS AMAZING LIFE!” I PROMISE YOU! YOUR LIFE IS NOT A SAD STORY! YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING! YOUR TRAUMAS WILL HEAL! EVERYTHING HEALS! YOU STILL HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU! FALL IN LOVE WITH LIFE AND HAPPINESS WILL FIND YOU.
Date: 30/05/2025
I've noticed that a lot of people can't sit still in silence. I'm not going to pretend that I've never put on music or a YouTube video just to break the silence, trying to keep all the thoughts inside my head. But lately, I've been trying to be more aware of silence and just sit with it. It's interesting how everything comes out. Every thought, worry, desire... Your subconscious guides your mind through what you haven't fully processed. How important it is to process things. Sometimes you have an incredible day, but when you sit in silence, you only remember the bad parts. It's because you couldn't process them when they happened. Some things are simpler than others and only take a few seconds to process. But others take months, years, and, if we're unlucky enough to never sit with them, a lifetime. I want to make a video game about this, but since every person is so different and everyone can act differently with silence, it's hard to predict what the player would do. At least once a day, everyone should sit in silence and let things out without judging them. Just let the pain inside be felt. We're all trying to heal from something or someone, so let's be kinder to ourselves.
Date: 29/05/2025
I can't deny that I hate feeling so sad about it. I can't deny that I wish I could get over it, but pretending that I don't care anymore would be silly. We can't lie to ourselves. I'm sad, of course I am. I wonder, I question myself, what if...? I wonder if, if I had moved on with my life, you would care about what I'm doing now. I wonder if you're moving on with yours. I wonder what would have happened if you had asked me to stay a little longer to talk it over. If my younger self and my older self could see me, I'm sure they would be fed up with my regrets. But I can't help it. It was important to me, I really cared. But you didn't. I thought you did. Couldn't you have been honest with me? Why wasn't I honest with myself from the beginning? Because I had never been in a situation like this before! But now I have, and I promise I will act accordingly. I love being alive, and I'm not going to waste this moment looking for another. I promise! Good things are coming! I know it! I'll leave behind the things that aren't meant for me! And I WILL BE HAPPY. I AM HAPPY, DAMN IT, TODAY WAS A FANTASTIC DAY, AND YESTERDAY TOO.
Date: 27/05/2025
Funny how every day I check to see if you finally thought of me and texted me after months, and you still don't. Funny how many times I wished you would change your mind, and you still don't. Funny how twice in a row I had a dream that you texted me, and yet, you still did it wrong. Both times, I was still disappointed, upset, by your message. It's funny to think that even in my dreams you don't get things right. I'm not going to lie, I also thought about writing you, but that would only disappoint my past and future self. I decided this for my own good, and I have to stay strong. I miss you, and I still love you. That's actually not funny.
Date: 26/05/2025
Really, I love the story I'm writing. But there's a point when you look back, see the original idea and think.... "Holy crap! This is nothing like the original concept." You build characters, stories, and forget why you originally started. But is this a bad thing? Of course it isn't. We make stories to express what's inside us, we shouldn't limit ourselves because our past self thought we could write something we don't even like to read. But then what should I do, just get rid of the original concept and go with what the story became? If that happens, where does that leave the essence of the story then? How am I now going to fill in those blanks? Modify... Delete... Mmmh... It's hard to say goodbye to an amazing idea, especially when you were so excited about it, but when you have to sit down and start writing, you wish that idea was in someone else's mind instead of yours.
Date: 25/05/2025
I won't get into details because it's all too personal and it involves other person who, by cassualities of life, may read this. But let me talk about THAT feeling of phisical contact. First, I never met a guy interested in having that kind of contact with me, so meeting someone like that was so disruptive and crazy, not gonna lie. It felt different, new, like discovering a new favorite movie. BUT. As I discovered new things about this guy, well... He told me he had an online boyfriend. At first it wasn't a problem since our phisical contact wasn't soooo sexual or anything, but as the thing developed and I realized some other things... I had to told him I wanted to stop with all this. I haven't seen him since I told him that, but I really hope it isn't weird or anything. The thing is, HOW LONG IS IT GONNA TAKE UNTIL ANOTHER GAY GUY WANTS THE SAME WITH ME? Probably when I move out of this city. But the memory of being there... lying on his chest and feeling his hands running trough my body, JESUS that felt awesome, very comfortable. 10/10 Would do the same if I wasn't "the other woman".
